Mad Dog Tells Stephen A. About His Plan For Revealing The Little People In His Crawlspace, Rips Browns For Unsettled QB Position

“I’m hearing noises at night: scuffles, bumps, little whispers! And then, next thing you know, I’m seeing them, I’m seeing the god damn things at the foot of my bed: all bug-eyed, slack jawed, reaching, probing fingers and a glistening, slick layer of moisture that coats their nude, saggy little reddish-brown bodies. Mainly I think they scramble around on all fours in the walls, but they get bipedal, oh, they get bipedal. Trust me when I say that. I would know that.

“Just the other night I saw one down in the basement. It was early, I’m never down there at that hour so I think I surprised it, but I’d forgotten to move some clothes from the washer to the dryer the night before. But there it was, gagging itself with a dryer sheet. I shit you not, Stephen A.

“Mainly I catch them around the toaster, or at least I find signs of them having been there. The fucking settings are changed; The Mad Dog’s Kerrygold butter doesn’t dissipate as it should on the unblackened bagel. I cannot forgive or forget this.

“I think they believe it’s some sort of messiah, the toaster. I’ve seen them sort of reverencing before it, their incoherent whispers tuned into a kind of communal hymn, but when I get close they scramble like cockroaches at first light.

“But so what I’m going to do, Stephen A., is I’m going to take this precious toaster of theirs from the kitchen, bring it up to the attic, make a sort of shrine befitting a final showdown, put the toaster on the altar there and then I’ll hide behind a box of Christmas decorations and wait… wait for the little people who live in my crawl space with an old 5-iron gripped tight in my hands. I don’t know if they bleed like normal people but I’m ready to find out.

“And you know the thing about the Cleveland Browns is, if you’ve got a bunch a quarterbacks then you’ve got no quarterbacks, you know what I mean? They’ve got Deshaun Watson, absolutely despised there, named the starter now. How long will that last? Shedeur Sanders is the league’s most beloved No. 2, and fans will be calling for him until he’s out there taking sacks and checking it down. Don’t be surprised if we see Dillon Gabriel again and then even sixth-round pick Taylen Green for a baptism by fire. There’s no method to the madness in Cleveland, I’m telling you!”